Christmas Morning 2005/ August 8
The dream listed 10 objectives
To redefine my life
And the time, the time that had happened…
To be reunited with my first love
It was a matter of my doing what was listed
The matters, they came, upon the printed page,
One at a time
I, given the list, was wished well
By his mother, and father and sister and friend…
A beautiful friend, he had, with golden hair and blue eyes,
Who kissed me on the corner of my lips, next to my cheek
But my love was the man of my youth,
The dark haired man, tall and the first
We were at a camp of sorts
We were there serving and he was leading
My job was small
A sentinel to start the day
Line up the children in a merry way
And he was there
And I saw the date to be August 9th,
The day we were to be wed
When he stood alone at the altar
When I didn’t meet my plane
And when I was waylaid, or something
And I wasn’t there to take his hand
Now his anger was justified
His silence and sadness and eyes pleading
And my heart bleeding
Wanting him again
On August 9th
His mother was gentle, his father informing
Sit as a soldier by his door
Not as a girl darting about
But grave-faced and determined
Saluting him emotionless
His mother gave me the list of ten
The ten that would turn back time
And make him mine
Her sister, she said, was a teller
Who never got it wrong.
Would I do the list? Would I do it right?
Come back to them?
She did not say,
She only said I would not be there on the day I was not.
The first time it was August 9th,
And now the re-doing could take place
So I hugged his mother
And she hugged me back and I began the list
The treacherous list of tasks
The snow was deep and the winding roads were narrow
That ran down the mountain from that camp
I gave him a hug, a wrenching, promising, hopeful, fateful hug
And he told me about August 9th, and that he would be there.
He said we could fall together on his bed…
But that would betray the list
So instead he lathered up his hands with warm white suds
And slid them strongly over my breasts,
With my shirt on
I cried for him and told him
I’d be back on August 9th
For task one,
The roads I managed
The trees gave way and I didn’t slide into the trenches of death
I made it home
To my now home
Some twenty-eight years from that mountain camp.
I had my list, and each thing, it did appear
And I did them one by one
Under the roof of another one I love
Like making a recipe, innocently
e so unknowingly
Magically, critically, empirically I did them
Right under his nose
I was making time disappear
And I was going back to August 9th.
More tasks came,
They were not hard, not hard to me
The fourth one made me cry
As I unwrapped the human doll
From its clothes and found it
Not quite right
I wept as I kept the doll
It was just a doll to him
But something more significant
It had to be to me.
I blended the magic drink
In number nine
That tasted like a blueberry yogurt shake
I drank it right from the blender
And he asked for a drink too
And maybe a taste for his daughter
Whose time was being erased
As we drank
I shared it
Oh, they would not die
But be forever changed by August 9th.
One last task, one last task
To add a heap of earth and egg and sugar
To my mix
The earth, home of worms and decay, but do-able.
I would drink it down
The sugar would help
It was night and I thought
Of how I would dig up the cup of earth
And where I would get it
A message comes from beyond
His mother, she is smiling
She is knowing
I am going to my August 9th
And babies will be born thereafter
And there will be no more need for lathering
On top of shirts
And his dad is there
And he is proud
Proud of my not dying
Proud of all my doing
Getting fitted for a tux
And a smile is newly cracking
On his face that had been so sad
And imprisoned, remembering
The former August 9th
And he is going to be my bridegroom
And I am coming
As soon as I eat the cup of earth.
But the four cats we owned
I noticed as I looked out the window
Were outside
And two wolves were making their ways toward them
In their innocent play
Wolves, damned, ungodly, lurching, advancing wolves
Kitten licking its paw unknowing
Another curled in a soft shape to take a nap
I am seeing, I am seeing
Fix the cup and drink it,
It is the early morning of August 9th
Drink and mix
Or save the damn kittens
Drink and leave
Or stave off the wolves
I run, I roar
I bat the wolves from under the bed
That rests in my driveway outside
The wolves gnash and retreat slowly
Another task done, but not the task
That will turn back time
I am awake now and it’s Christmas morning
2005.
The earth is still where it was, unbroken.
The cup is clean and white.
My friend, the man I also love
Is sleeping beside me
I have let the other one down
It’s all gone, it’s all unraveling
Oh the truth and hope I had
In my dream of August 9th.
