Uncle Harry meets Albert Einstein on a Train
(Cheshire, July 21, 1937)
I've always respected scholarship, new ideas,
and I've read about your work
in the Sunday Empire News - that relativity.
And you're right, things do look different
from each side of a fence, each end of a bottle, too.
But you've got it wrong about the clocks.
Think about it, Albert. I go off on a space-ship,
come back a few weeks younger than my twin.
That's OK, I suppose,
no repercussions worth bothering about
but what if my Dad went, on a longer journey
and came back a child
a little boy a lot younger than me?
Well, my Mum would be confused,
she'd tuck him up at night, in his crib, I mean my crib,
and go off to bed with me. Wouldn't she?
That would be incest, Dr Einstein.
Are you an atheist? Don't bother to reply.
I see it now, a German plot.
That's why your books aren't published
in the Fatherland, only over here
so we'll read that nonsense about clocks,
people will believe it because your hair is white
and the papers say you're wise
and soon, all the men in England
will be sleeping with their mothers
millions of babies will be born insane
our Empire will crumble. Kraut!
I've been a painter and decorator all my life,
I see the whole world from my ladder
I can spot a fraud a mile away.
Don't provoke me, Einstein.
If I were you, I'd get off the train at Crewe.
